By, Levon Syers
As February comes to a close, it leaves behind a wake of epic news — news that will not be forgotten, at least until summer.
For those who have yet to inform themselves about the events that have occurred over the course of the month, fear not: the following few paragraphs will be the edifying light to the dark parts of your brain. They will keep you current with the most monolithic of events. Think Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter traveling through time in a phone booth, but better.
To begin, Pope Benedict XVI of the Roman Catholic Church announced his resignation from the Vatican at the end of the month.
His Holiness’ resignation marks the first from the Vatican since Gregory XII in 1415.
According to an article by the U.K.’s Telegraph, the Pope will “keep his name, His Holiness Benedict XVI, but get a new official title: ‘Emeritus Pope or Pope Emeritus or the Roman Pontiff Emeritus. So His Holiness, Benedict XVI, Pope Emeritus or Supreme Pontiff Emeritus.’”
Those simply aren’t enough titles. The 85-year-old German pontiff will give up his official papal ring, which will be destroyed by the Vatican Secretary of State, an ancient yet relevant tradition. The cardinals of the Vatican will meet on March 4 to set the date for the conclave, which will decide who the next Pope will be.
Moving on, a giant meteor exploded over the atmosphere of Russia on Feb. 15, resulting in a massive firestorm that rained down on the unsuspecting citizens of Chelyabinsk, or in other words, the first 30 minutes to every mid-to-late 1990s apocalyptic action movie just became real-life.
According to Discovery News, the meteor explosion “injured more than 1,000 people and blew out windows across the region in a massive blast captured on cameras by frightened witnesses.”
According to Fox News, the meteor was “about 55 feet in diameter, weighed around 10,000 tons and was made from a stony material, scientists said, making it the largest such object to hit the Earth in more than a century.”
The stony material was rumored to be made of rhinestones as part of a time capsule launched by Billy Ray Cyrus in 1992 following his “Achy Breaky Heart” tour. The capsule reportedly contained high-rising Levi’s jeans and a pair of cowboy boots. Is it a coincidence or are terrible things always happening in Russia? Hang in there, Russians!
Daniel Day-Lewis solidified his spot in acting history this month by winning his third Oscar at the Academy Awards for the iconic performance he gave in the biopic Lincoln, directed by the renowned Steven Spielberg.
The third win marked the most ever by a male actor and has secured Lewis’ already iconic status to legendary. For those of you who do not know Daniel Day-Lewis, you should be ashamed of yourselves. His method acting borders on the dangerously obsessive, which in return translates for consistently magnetic performances on screen.
For example, to prepare for the role of Bill the Butcher in Gangs of New York (a movie for which he was also nominated for an Oscar), Lewis spent his time apprenticing at a butcher shop in New York for four months.
To accurately portray the role of
Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood, Lewis spent over three years preparing for the role, which included occasionally stealing a milkshake from a teenager.
To prepare for his role in Last of the Mohicans, it was speculated that Lewis spent his time gambling at a Native American casino in California for three weeks straight with no sleep.
If you have not seen any of these movies or do not get any of these references, please do yourself a favor: immediately rent all of them and cancel the rest of your plans for the day. It has been argued that he might be the greatest actor ever, and for good reason.
Though the month of March approaches with rapidity, February’s epic happenings have yet to be put onto the backburner. To those four of you who have made it to the end of this article, I send you my complete respect: not even I could make it through this article in one reading.
As a result of your efforts, you are now armed with this powerful information, which will undeniably prove useful within your social circles this weekend.
March will be the “Game of Thrones Season Opener Beard” month, during which I will be growing out a beard in preparation for the HBO Series’ ascension back into the entertainment spotlight, while simultaneously discussing my favorite existing plotlines within the series. Thank you ahead of time to the Editor-in-Chief for soliciting that gem of an idea during a chance run-in last week. “Stay Thirsty, My Friends.