2008 Woodie Awards
'How Do I Tell Him?'
When to Let Mr. Now In On Your Past TransgressionsWhen to Let Mr. Now In On Your Past Transgressions
G.M. Grosso
Issue date: 11/20/03 Section: Feature
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G.M.,
I've just started a new relationship, but I have a personal issue that I'm not sure how to go about dealing with. Two years ago, I was pregnant and gave the baby up for adoption. My boyfriend now didn't know me then, and I'm not sure if I want to tell him about this. Am I being dishonest by hiding this from him? Will this ruin our relationship if I don't tell him or if I do?
~A.R.~
This is an extremely difficult situation. Not only are you dealing with the stresses of a new relationship, but there must still be quite a bit of residual psychological questioning that you have to deal with from the adoption process.
This is not a conundrum that will just disappear on its own. You'll probably deal with this for quite some time, and that is perfectly OK. It's better to deal with your emotions than to suppress them allowing them to swell in the landscape of personal anguish.
You made a very brave choice when you decided to give your baby up for adoption.
You decided to live with the consequences in order to give your child a better life. This is commendable in itself.
I understand why you may be questioning if telling your new boyfriend is the right thing to do. You don't want him to judge you based on decisions that were made before you met him. It's difficult to deal with our pasts following us into the present, but it's something that has to be dealt with.
If you have decided to have a relationship with this man, then you must trust him.
If you think that he is going to judge you based upon a personal decision that was carefully thought through and right for you, then perhaps this man is not worth it. It may be a shock for him at first, but if he really takes the time to empathize with your situation then he may be able to see where you were coming from.
If he truly respects you and wants to make the relationship work, then he'll be understanding about the situation.
I've just started a new relationship, but I have a personal issue that I'm not sure how to go about dealing with. Two years ago, I was pregnant and gave the baby up for adoption. My boyfriend now didn't know me then, and I'm not sure if I want to tell him about this. Am I being dishonest by hiding this from him? Will this ruin our relationship if I don't tell him or if I do?
~A.R.~
This is an extremely difficult situation. Not only are you dealing with the stresses of a new relationship, but there must still be quite a bit of residual psychological questioning that you have to deal with from the adoption process.
This is not a conundrum that will just disappear on its own. You'll probably deal with this for quite some time, and that is perfectly OK. It's better to deal with your emotions than to suppress them allowing them to swell in the landscape of personal anguish.
You made a very brave choice when you decided to give your baby up for adoption.
You decided to live with the consequences in order to give your child a better life. This is commendable in itself.
I understand why you may be questioning if telling your new boyfriend is the right thing to do. You don't want him to judge you based on decisions that were made before you met him. It's difficult to deal with our pasts following us into the present, but it's something that has to be dealt with.
If you have decided to have a relationship with this man, then you must trust him.
If you think that he is going to judge you based upon a personal decision that was carefully thought through and right for you, then perhaps this man is not worth it. It may be a shock for him at first, but if he really takes the time to empathize with your situation then he may be able to see where you were coming from.
If he truly respects you and wants to make the relationship work, then he'll be understanding about the situation.